lighht brings me hope as i feel joyous of contemplating trip travels to destinations unknown. on lighht gives balance to my dark past of failed love interest and parents plight to be good parents. by good parents i mean get out of order distinctly. out of order refers to the law they broke to lighht their path to the cell. out, well that term of endearment means to lighht their path of the cell and back to me.
lighht, mayo on that BLT sandwich saturday afternoon before playing the day away with pitty pat. pitty pat gave me the much needed space to bond with my grandmother. reflecting on the lighht of this game it gave her two reasons to play with me. first lighht, she knew the cancer in her was growing stronger, while the person in me to be outdoors was growing stronger. outside meant crossing Nye, the street where stevie was killed and where many were sweep up by bullets, violence, drugs, prostitution and the life. this is the life. playing pitty pat watching my grandmother take off her wig to relax feeling comfortable around her baby grandson. “dag nab it, you won again,” she would say lighhting my spirit to think i actually beat her.
really she felt the lighht inside to let me win. this reflection of light in both of us was that dark skin love and kinship. her beautiful light black caramel skin blended with my grandfathers dark black cool frame gave my father a light complexion, my auntie youngest a dark complexion, and my auntie d nice smooth Anita Baker complexion.
lighht blend skin with dark cool, smooth skin gave me the appreciation for both and love of both. the color of light on the spectrum of lighht. not blight, but light. not about the plight, but about the light. l.i.g.h.h.t. l.i.g.h.h.t. let it get heavy having thought. let it get heavy having thought. let it get heavy having thought. let it get heavy having thought.
t.h.g.i.l. thought having got influenced light…. still editing….
on dark there is light. the ray of dark sunshine illuminated the heart i once new. knew i had beginnings because someone told me. dark skin pitched to me by white slavers who found profit in hiding how beautiful i was, and how brilliant white skin was to them.
on dark, in a forest treading water flowing around my shoes that leave imprints for the warrior of light to follow. every step i come to is one closer to darkness. one closer to death. one closer to life. one closer to persecution. one closer to exile. one closer to contempt. one closer to committing adultery on my wife with my job’s relentless demands to do all i do.
walk or perish, tread darkness or find peril. sound like a dichotomy that needth not be set for me verbally or physically. a grandmothers word calling you a muthafucker stick, a father’s leaving you to pursue a life behind cars stick. a mother’s tale of molestation, prostitution, and then a bid in prison stick, a failed attempt to be a good athlete stick. a failed attempt to be good in business stick, a failed attempt to act like you have it all together stick.
on a dark path, with all of this mud sticking to my shoes holding me and you down in a place help me grounded on the failings on humans. humans can only light the path of darkness with burnt dark candlesticks. these same candlesticks illuminate me as i reach to be a better example for the human race and human condition. i fail for i am. i succeed for i need, need a new breed of person to acknowledge that as i fail i figure out who i am. i must fail darkly to illuminate me. i must fail lightly to illuminate you. no… matter… your… path…. light… it…. with… dark… past…. candlesticks!
in front of your smile is a cheese laid out to allow spectators to think you are such an adoring person. they may go even deeper to think you love life and flirt with living more than death. but if you lift up the curtain on that smile and see what it really is. there is some hidden hurt from a fathers leaving, a mothers unwanted opinion, a brothers falling to vulture culture, and a misrepresentation of what you have to be for so many people.
behind your smile is a dark snowy day of yesteryear. in front of your smile is the home decorating excursions and DYI projects. in front of every smile is a lost love who once was cared for you, behind the smile is me, a new human ready to pursue.
behind every smile is an in front moment…
i am watching you in the mirror daily only hoping you look to god for all the compliments of your beauty. i am man, i can not spare the words worthy of paying compliment to your beauty. omnipresent most of the time, your true beauty is something i marvel. most of it has nothing to do with your outward appearance, but the fire inside you!
daily i see you seeing me. peeking at me around the corner. telling me to sleep heavier and deeper. asking me to just slip and fall on that fine knife i use to cut chicken. encouraging me to meet you with a smile, death i have thought about you since age five. remember the fire? oh yes i am sure you remember the fire. your first chance to steal me from my family.
oh death you are such a cunning brotha coming in every shape, size, color, and understanding. i can’t wait to meet you to tell you how i really feel about you. till the, i bid you adieu!
go. stop. my life has been predicated on the fluid thoughts of stopping and going. go ahead and judge me. once i meet my maker i will stop going and start going. up to a heaven bound with beautiful, magnificent reunions with my grandmothers, brother, and cousins who have floated away like dust in the wind. one can only hope the wind help settle them in heaven alongside god, the maker of us all. when i go there i will stop for good. hello death, good bye soul!
am i angry? am i? am? i? yes, but no. no, but yes. i go back and forth about what do i have the privilege to be angry about. perhaps because this beautiful black skin that i am tenured in is an act of resistance. once 3/5, and now what? maybe 4/5 human. because my mom and dad both went to prison i am still suffering, coping, and struggling trying to understand what that means for me?
can i get to thirty? without. being. a. stat. or better yet. can i live free without getting a dwb. i am angry everyday because i have to….